Houghton Mifflin Discussion Forums

Replies: 7

lilypad

Posts: 143
Registered: 10/14/09

Detaching from the chaos
Posted: May 15, 2010 11:11 AM

I read in my Al-anon book this morning the following. "The hardest thing to learn is to stop imagining that I can figure out why my (son) acts the way he does. Automatically, almost, I jump to conclusions about his activities and his motives. I know in my heart that I cannot read his mind, and that anything I attribute to him is probably all wrong. How can I know? Why do I judge?. Nobody but God understands what goes on inside another human being. Let's not try to play God - or even psychiatrist! - to our troubled loved ones. Let's not examine them as we would a bug under a microscope. I always want to remember that every human being must be respected for his own individuality, no matter how battered it appears at times."

This is part of learning to detach - to not allow Chris' choices to run (ruin) my life and happiness. I cannot not, and should not, try to figure him out. It is hard but I am trying to leave him in God's hands - they are the only ones big enough to "fix" him.

lilypad

Posts: 143
Registered: 10/14/09

Re: Detaching from the chaos
Posted: May 15, 2010 11:14 AM

Chris went before the juvenile court judge yesterday. She is placing him in 90 days of residential treatment followed by 3 months in a Leadership Academy (sort of military camp). On the way back to detention he escaped from the deputies. He ran about 2 blocks before they caught up with him. He now has a sprained ankle, wrenched knee, scrapes and bruises. As a result he will probably do his treatment in a medium security treatment center and may go to boot camp instead of the leadership academy.

mayabee

Posts: 89
Registered: 9/10/09

Re: Detaching from the chaos
Posted: May 15, 2010 3:33 PM

So sorry to hear this. Glad that he is still going to be getting treatment. I know this is so hard. Hang in there.

JLP2

Posts: 64
Registered: 2/22/10

Re: Detaching from the chaos
Posted: May 16, 2010 2:58 PM

Sounds like you have taken some great things from your Alanon meetings. It took me way too long to quit trying to fix everything. Once I did my life got easier and less gut wrenching. Hang on, one day at a time is a very real thing in this arena.

Fatima

Posts: 125
Registered: 12/30/09

Re: Detaching from the chaos
Posted: May 17, 2010 5:59 PM

Your words are encouraging to me. I've been attending AlAnon for about 8 months, however, I continue to struggle with trying to "fix" and constantly go back to the past, wondering what went wrong and what I should have done, etc. My therapist told me some time ago, to stop playing God. Everyday I surrender to HIM, it's a thousands surrenders for me. I'm sorry about your son. In a way is good that he bolted out, this means he needs that medium security and the military boot camp. It's an answered prayer. You are now going to be able to sleep and continue working on yourself.

lilypad

Posts: 143
Registered: 10/14/09

Re: Detaching from the chaos
Posted: May 17, 2010 10:03 PM

I appreciate everyone's support. I am resting so much more easily knowing where my son is and that he is getting back into treatment. My husband and I spent the weekend with our oldest son (he is working in another state). It was good to have a little road trip. I know that Chris was disappointed that we did not come to see him but I think he needs to know that it is not all about him. It is time to focus on recovering from the chaos and let my other sons know that we are there for them too.

mayabee

Posts: 89
Registered: 9/10/09

Re: Detaching from the chaos
Posted: May 18, 2010 9:01 AM

Glad that you were able to get away. I recall so well the sense of relief I had when my son was in jail. It was sad but at the same time we could sleep, make plans with friends, visit out-of-town relatives, and focus on us for a change. You need and deserve a break.

lauren

Posts: 17
Registered: 5/4/10

Re: Detaching from the chaos
Posted: May 20, 2010 3:17 AM

Thanks, Lilypad. We would do well to remind our addicts (every blessed chance we get) that IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT THEM!
This helps us to move on with our lives and it helps them, too, because they get a free reality check that they are not the Masters of the Universe. Most addicts seriously need to get over themselves and I'm hoping that the more I do this (wake-up call) the more I can detach in a healthy way. And the more I can detach in a healthy way, the less I suffer for my daughter's insane life choices.
It's a work in progress!