I'm considering hiring a private detective to search for my 19 year old beautiful daughter. She's been on her own for about 1 year and does call from time to time. I know she's in the LA area and saw her last Jan. 1st. looking very frail from using crystal meth. My husband wants to me to let her go and leave it alone. I don't know what to do or whom to hire (the cost?). We know she doesn't want to come home or go to rehab. but what if she's in some meth/crack house, can the private detective rescue her or call the cops? Have any of you done this? any suggestions?
I posted on here back in March . My son is 26 and an addict. His drug of choice is heroin. I have learned to start taking care of myself. I have been going to movies, bowling, etc. I know that as parents we all want to save our children. But there comes a point when it finally hits you that you cant. I know that it is a very hard thing to do. But as another poster told me months ago, I was making myself physically ill. We all need to detach....I have not talked to my son for 7 weeks now. I had a birthday a few days ago, but didnt hear from him. But you know what. Thats okay. I am trying new things. A couple of weeks ago , I even went roller blading. Had a blast. Im just trying to let you know, that there is a life that we can live. Take care and God Bless You.
Fatima, I have a very good friend who is a private investigator. He helped us during our sexual assault case in locating the perpetrator. He cannot arrest, he is licensed to carry and can restrain until authorities arrive. They are very expensive. My question to you is what happens after you find your daughter? What then? It does give peace of mind knowing she is safe, where she is but finding her will not stop the addiction. I can remember sitting outside a dealers house for three days knowing my daughter was inside. Had she not come out or showed up, the authorities would have gone in only to remove her. It became a dangerous situation as you have no idea what is behind those closed doors. Remember, some of the others involved in the world of drugs are not the kindest of people.
Hello Fatima, Hello All, I would rack my brain thinking of what I could do about my addict daughter Stella. The last time I saw her she was in a dark bedroom with an empty vodka bottle on the stand. She was on meth, looked terrible. Had the air condition going full blast, had sliding glass door open to let cats in and out. This was a little over four years ago. She was evicted in August and I took 4 of her animals in...3 cats pregnant. Gave away 14 kittens, had all the kittens and their mothers fixed. She and boyfriend were homeless on and off. I did provide funds for weekly room for awhile. I have had visions of locking her up in my house until she becomes straight. Of course you can't do that. I've thought of having her thrown in jail. That's not so easy to do anymore. (there's too many of them). I had her here once for almost two years. That's horrible too and she cost a small fortune. More in next post.
NOw Fatima If you could find out where she is, then what? Even if you can get her home she will not stay, chances are. Then she may leave and not contact you at all. If you can get her to stay home she still may not stop using. I know your heart is broken. Having a broken heart can make you extremely ill or may even kill you. And that is why you must work now at healing you soul. There are others that need you. Remember... your life is important too. I did almost die from grief. This forum helped me a lot.John died in Dec 2005 and Stella quit seeing me a few months later. I can't change a thing. I can only change my thinking. Work at it everyday. We are here for you. Hugs to you, Deb
I so understand the impulse. At one point I wished there were some way to hire someone who could snatch my son out of drug den, take him someplace safe & secluded & keep him there by force until his mind had cleared.
My son's behavior landed him in jail on several occasions- first two stays were for a month, which was enough time for him to detox from meth, eat & sleep, & be all rested up & ready to start the madness all over again when he got out. Last stay was for 4 months plus time in a halfway house (he's been there for a year). He's doing well now & has no intention of using meth- although he doesn't have the same opinion about pot & alcohol. That bothers me but I realize I can't control his choices.
I know how heart-breaking your daughter's situation is & of course it feels awful to stand by & feel that you are doing nothing to save her. Unfortunately, you can't save her. She has to save herself. Even if you got her home, unless she wanted to stay you would have no way to keep her there.
Sounds like you still see her from time to time. My only suggestion is to keep the lines of communication open & let her know that her family is there for her & that you will do whatever you can to support her efforts to get clean when she's ready.
It's a cliche to say "take care of you" but you have to. Therapy, anti-depressants, Al-Anon or Naranon, exercise, hobbies, journaling- any of these can help. They won't take away the pain but at least you won't be letting your daughter's drug use control you.
Hello Fatima and All, There's so much truth in what Mayabee wrote. Keep the lines of communication open: so hard to do. When they are on meth they do develop an insanity and become highly paranoid.My daughter won't let me have her phone number or address. And this is the kid I was always closest too. We were in contact always, talked on the phone day in and day out, went many places together. Never imagined this could ever happen. Not in a million years. I do get a report from the youngest and I'm sure she tells me little. I have let my oldest know that if she will go to VA rehap Chuck and I will help her. Otherwise we will no longer support her while on drugs. Never thought I would think that either.Best wishes, Deb
Here's a thought. Since you feel pretty certain that your daughter is with a man who is supplying her with drugs why not have the private detective follow him and get enough evidence to have him arrested? Men who prey on the weaknessness of women to their great peril are dangerous and need to be stopped. But as Deb mentioned in her reply, once you know your daughter's whereabouts, then what? Perhaps the greatest kindness is to have her arrested and let the legal system order her into a program. The authorities have power we do not have and sometimes jail or court ordered drug counselling is the only hope. You will not be able to rescue her but there are things you can do that might influence the outcome of the situation.
I've read your posts carefully. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences. This forum is truly a blessing. You are all correct. There is nothing that I can do. She doesn't want help now. I must surrender my daughter to God who loves her more than I do. I also know that if someone where to find her she won't come home and if she were to come home it would be "hell". She's told me herself that it wouldn't work. I had posted asking for advice about turning over to her the birth certificate, well it turns out that she's applied for a credit card online. So what I was trying to avoid by protecting her from credit cards and identify theft is no longer an issue! She's managed to get credit on her own and from what she said, charging left and right. She'll have to live with the consequences of having bad credit if she doesn't pay her bill. I do accept her calls and treat her with kindness and love. I end up the call with "I love you, take care and God bless." I pray daily that God takes care of her, keeps her safe but that He disciplines her. Her lifestyle is crazy so there's a pretty good chance that she'll be arrested. That's when we're stepping in and WILL do everything in our power to persuade the judge/district attorney to send her to mandatory rehabm the longest amount of time possible. Again thank you for your quick responses.
Your decision sounds so rational. It is just so hard to watch our children self-destruct. I keep thinking of ways to step in and stop this but ultimately this is my sons (and your daughters) journey. There is only so much we can do. You are doing those things - treating her with love and kindness, praying for her and being willing to go to bat for her with the authorities. God bless.
Hello Fatima, Hello All, There has been so many times in recent years that I wished my daughter Stella would commit a money crime to put her away for a year or two. My thinking is that she would come to her "senses" concerning the use of drugs. Her daughter M has been in and out of prison (all drug related). Last time for a year. Didn't change anything...she's back to smoking and drugs. M's Ex-husband M also back on drugs since being off probation. Both of Stella's husbands both dead from drugs.... (cancer)44 and 54. I do know two people who were on meth and are now clean but not well. This is unusual I've heard. 15 year habit! If you can get her locked up, do it, I say. I know I paint such a depressing picture. It is depressing and horrible. I was truly the Denial Queen. I had one person tell me the Godawful truth and I thought he was a heartless S O B doctor.Most of you have young addicts, like I did at one time.I now feel that becoming tough is your only out if there is one at all.The more you do the worse it will become. I'm better but I was truly an emotional mess for years. There will be addicts that will decide to quit on their own (most without rehab). Of course the rehab people won't tell you that. All of you are in my thoughts. Love, Deb