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Topic: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Replies: 20   Pages: 1   Last Post: Jul 30, 2010 11:48 AM by: Winnie

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Replies: 20
repunzel

Posts: 1
Registered: 7/17/10
Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 17, 2010 11:10 PM
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I'm half way through this book, as Annie Lamont said, impossible to put down.

I think this is too late..too soon? I'm afraid to finish the book, but see from your son Nic's picture, he is still alive.

You are a manipulative and seductive writer.

As a mother of 3 sons, sister to 3 brothers, a wife and a grandma...educator of children with specials needs and a relentless child advocate, I think that you were/are a "good time Daddy" who enjoyed the fun stuff, but were a coward when it came to the real grit of parenting. I'm afraid to finish reading this book. So, have you invented a 13th step? Good luck getting that through to the insurance companies! K.B. Peretto M.A. Special Education


waterdance

Posts: 624
Registered: 6/10/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 18, 2010 3:14 PM
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Hello rupunzel, Haven't read David Sheff's new book but will read it.
The book "My Beautiful Boy" was courageous and brought much to the thousands upon thousands that have children on drugs, Because of the book this forum was formed and has helped hundreds find a life again even if their child keeps using. Can you see that?

Also what do you call the "true grit" of parenting??


cindykay

Posts: 284
Registered: 6/5/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 18, 2010 5:48 PM
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Thanks for your words Deb. Unless you have walked in my shoes (mother/father of an addict) or inside those of my daughter (addict) you do not comprehend this endless journey to hell on a roller coaster that does not cease.


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 26, 2010 10:28 PM
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Cindy Kay, I agree, it is true that unless you've been down the road of addiction it's impossible to explain it to anyone else. It's a road I don't wish on anyone.
Love to you,
Ann


lori-in-irvine

Posts: 109
Registered: 11/29/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 22, 2010 3:47 PM
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repunzel, you have a holier-than-thou attitude, I feel that your lack of empathy makes you poorly suited to helping others. Branding someone a "coward" when you haven't the slightest understanding of the challenges involved makes it appear that you are covering for your own shortcomings, perhaps this book touched a nerve.

Personally, I found David's story to be brutally honest, self critical and courageous. Those of us actually living with the nightmare of a child's addiction do not feel the need to judge each other, we all soldier on as best we can, according to the particular dynamics of our individual situations. David was generous in sharing his personal struggle and he illuminates the fact that there are other approaches to dealing with this devastating disease even when conventional methods have failed. This gives new hope to many.


mixnroll

Posts: 59
Registered: 5/23/10
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 23, 2010 8:17 AM
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I haven't read his new book either but will have to do so.

What I found so amazing in A Beautiful Boy was the brutal honest, self examination. The feelings he had going through all of this rang so true and helped me get clarity in my own journey to stop enabling my son.

Repunzel have you read A Beautiful Boy or only this new book? If so you may be reading it a bit out of context.


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 26, 2010 10:36 PM
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Mixinroll, hi there. I am happy to meet you. Believe me I know all too well about enabling. I've come a long way, but sometimes I fall down and have to get back up and start again.
Hugs,
Ann


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 26, 2010 10:32 PM
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Lori, you said it right girlfriend! I hope things are going well for you. I haven't been posting for a while and it is good to jump in and see how everyone is doing.
Hugs to you,
Ann


Winnie

Posts: 105
Registered: 9/26/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 28, 2010 7:15 PM
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I feel very sorry for repunzel. It must very difficult to be a perfect parent, grandparent and sister. But you know what it is still more difficult being a parent, grandparent or sister of an addict. Do you understand addiction? I somehow doubt it. I know i was not the perfect mother - i know i made mistakes. Yes my son may have gotten the addictive gene from me or maybe if i had not married mhy husband 31 years ago and mixed our gene pool my son would not be an addict. Maybe if my son was not sexually assaulted when he was 13 years old i would have been a perfect parent. Yes i am sure i did my share of enabling - but i have learned the hard way not to enable as my son commited suicide for the third time (almost successful) My son has finally shared his secret with his therapist and now myself and his dad. Repunzel i use to have friends like you and i just can deal with them anymore - you may find one day that you have no friends if you continue to judge everyone.


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 24, 2010 2:31 PM
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Welcome Repunzel, I'm happy you came to the forum. Here you will find many precious friends from all walks of life. I have not posted here for a good while, but your post caught my interest immediately.

Actually, I felt anger as I read your post. I have learned to "think" before I talk, so I slept on it. Today I am wondering if you have ever known the heartache and pain of having a loved one with an addiction? I hope not, it's painful and only people who have experienced it can begin to understand.

We come and go here, sometimes we need a break, but our hearts are always open to each other here. This forum is healing and probably what helped me the most through some horrid times. This is a wonderful place where we can come and never feel alone. We can encourage, love, care, pray or just listen to each other and that is such a gift.

David Sheff has been through this journey and I thank God for him. He understood that we all need each other. I am not sure what you meant about him being a "fun time" parent, but I'm pretty sure that a man who spent days and nights searching for his son, even when he was hospitalized is not just a "fun time" parent. Just my opinion, but I'll bet if you ask his son he would agree that his father is not a "sunny day" friend.

So, I am glad you came. I hope you will continue to come. You will begin to learn more about addiction, about the need we have for each other. Please understand that I am not trying to offend you, I am just thinking that you do not understand addiction and that what you said about David Sheff just blew my mind??? Hopefully you will come here and read and reconsider, if not then we will just agree to disagree.

I can promise you one thing, the friends I have met on this forum are like no other and I love each and every one :o)

All the best,
Ann


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 24, 2010 3:07 PM
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Welcome Repunzel, I'm happy you came to the forum. Here you will find many precious friends from all walks of life. I have not posted here for a good while, but your post caught my interest immediately.

Actually, I felt anger as I read your post. I have learned to "think" before I talk, so I slept on it. Today I am wondering if you have ever known the heartache and pain of having a loved one with an addiction? I hope not, it's painful and only people who have experienced it can begin to understand.

We come and go here, sometimes we need a break, but our hearts are always open to each other here. This forum is healing and probably what helped me the most through some horrid times. This is a wonderful place where we can come and never feel alone. We can encourage, love, care, pray or just listen to each other and that is such a gift.

David Sheff has been through this journey and I thank God for him. He understood that we all need each other. I am not sure what you meant about him being a "fun time" parent, but I'm pretty sure that a man who spent days and nights searching for his son, even when he was hospitalized is not just a "fun time" parent. Just my opinion, but I'll bet if you ask his son he would agree that his father is not a "sunny day" friend.

So, I am glad you came. I hope you will continue to come. You will begin to learn more about addiction, about the need we have for each other. Please understand that I am not trying to offend you, I am just thinking that you do not understand addiction and that what you said about David Sheff just blew my mind??? Hopefully you will come here and read and reconsider, if not then we will just agree to disagree.

I can promise you one thing, the friends I have met on this forum are like no other and I love each and every one :o)

All the best,
Ann


An addict's Mom

Posts: 143
Registered: 6/4/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 25, 2010 2:17 PM
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Ann, I am so glad to see your post. Very thoughtful and well said!

I hope you are doing well, I have thought about you and included you and your son in my prayers.

Take care, Laura


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 26, 2010 10:15 PM
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Hi Laura, thank you for the prayers! I also keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers. I come here and read from time to time and my heart goes out to all my dear friends here!
Thank you for saying hello :o)
Love,
Ann


sml

Posts: 3
Registered: 7/25/10
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 25, 2010 8:32 PM
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Why is it we always have to blame someone? (usually the parents) Why can't we treat this as the disease it is? Would you blame someone for their cancer?


waterdance

Posts: 624
Registered: 6/10/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 26, 2010 12:15 PM
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Hello Ann, It's wonderful to hear from you! Please let us know how you are and how your family is. You wrote a good post. Sounds like you are still very spunky! LOL' Love to you, Deb


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 26, 2010 10:23 PM
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Hi Deb, so good to see you are still here. Some days when things just seem too overwhelming I come here and hunt you down! Why? Because you always make me smile. I loved you from day one! LOL
Your words are wise and your reports from the high desert are always delightful.
Love and hugs to you,
Ann


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 26, 2010 10:20 PM
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SML, I know what you mean, seems like people (even us at times) are always looking for someone to blame, but truth be told addiction just happens even when we have been the best parents we know how to be.
Which reminds me of one of my favorite poems written by a friend on this forum. I think of it often, I will see if I can find it in here somewhere.
Love to you,
Ann


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 27, 2010 5:41 PM
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SML, this is the poem written on the forum by TC, I hope that she will not mind me reposting it? This poem that she wrote just says it all doesn't it?

tc
Expectations
Posted: Jan 2, 2010 8:01 PM
A poem I wrote about my experience with my 20 yr old daughter--an addict. I read Beautiful Boy all in one night when she had relapsed and hadn't come home. The book comforted me because for the first time I didn't feel alone--someone else was feeling the same feelings as me. I didn't feel uniquely alone any longer.


Expectations

You have to let go of the child you once knew in the future
The one who would without question attend college, have lots of friends, smile easily, do effortless back-flips, surrounded by the promise fog of youth
The one whose very personality used to validate you and make others think you were so much smarter and together than you ever were
Now that same child calls everything into question, and provides the kindling for others to re-draw you
Now you work too much, werenít home enough, didnít take her to the right doctor soon enough, werenít strict enough, didnít see the signs, live in the city, believe in the wrong God, donít accept help that no one is really offering
No one wants to know what you knowóthat we are all vulnerable, living in a house of cards
Now you know that there are places so painful, so agonizing that you canít blame anyone for excusing themselves politely from your experience
You would run so fast, too, if only the road didnít lead you away from your very heart
Life goes on and you are left alone with the certainty that as you meticulously rebuild, careful to place the cards just right, in balance with your new reality, you dare not hope for too much, they will fall again


lilypad

Posts: 143
Registered: 10/14/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 28, 2010 8:27 PM
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Hi everyone,

I have not been on this site for a few weeks - between vacation and just enjoying the beautiful summer weather.
I did not realize David had a new book.

You are all in my thoughts even tho I haven't been present on the forum. My son is 6 weeks into treatment and seems to be doing well. He has his first home visit this weekend.

We have been able to visit him at treatment every weekend. We are able to stay for several hours at a time. The center is out in the country on a large open campus surrounded by farmland. We bring blankets to sit on and play games and talk. Last Saturday as we were getting ready to leave I mentioned that if he were at home we probably wouldn't be spending so much time just with him. He looked at me with a glint in his eye and said "Mom, God works in mysterious ways!" At least he has his sense of humor!

I have been getting a lot out of a book by Debra Jay - No More Letting Go. I would recommend it to anyone touched by addiction.


An addict's Mom

Posts: 143
Registered: 6/4/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 30, 2010 5:28 AM
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Lilypad, It's good to hear from you and get an update on your son. And how are you doing? Sometimes treatment somewhere is just the start of a new level of worry. I hope that you can enjoy this peace and find some serenity. You've had a tough road.

I have been thinking about this post for days, not quite knowing how to feel about it. I know that as much as my son etlls me it's not my fault he is an addict, I still have that core piece that tries to configure what a different path for him would have been - maybe teh what if's never will end. I can't wait to read David's new book. My first knee-jerk response to the synopsis was that still, we parents are trying to right some wrong that we did and therefore our kids became addicts. Another character flaw - lol- pretty quick to judge at times. So I will remind myself to keep an open mind and to look forward to his compelling way of writing and appreciate what his research and experiences have been. I am also intrigued by the book no more letting go , I think that was teh name, I just ordered that. Much love and prayers are with you all... Laura


Winnie

Posts: 105
Registered: 9/26/09
Re: Motives, excuses and 13 steps???
Posted: Jul 30, 2010 11:48 AM
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Good morning all,

I will have to get the book you just recommended. I am presently reading a book about co-dependancy. Quite often i find (or i am in denial) that the books i read pertain more to alcholics and spouses verses Parent and child - where they still need you as they do not have the maturity yet to cope as adults. I am trying. You always learn something when you read a book.

I have tried to find David's new book. I am thinking it might not be released in Canada yet. Any suggestions on where to find it? I enjoyed his other book and i find Mr. Scheff to be very realisitic not to mention informative.

I wrote a post earlier on where i was extremely upset with Repunzel. I maybe should not have - i should have applied the 24 rule - but i guess i was just shocked by the comment they wrote - so i will apologize now for my hasty reaction.

Here is wishing everyone a great day





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