Replies: 12

waterdance Posts: 624 Registered: 6/10/09 Re: How to move forward Posted: Sep 6, 2010 2:42 PM   Reply Hello Sherry, First some background: Lost my son John in 2005 and now my daughter Shelly is on meth and hasn't seen me in 4 and a half years. (We have talked a few times and the conversations didn't go well). In the spring of 2009 I became deathly ill. Taken to hospital twice. They said virus once, then flu. I think it was grief and stress and my body was giving up. I started reading about timeshifting, right-brain thinking, spiritual healing, becoming aware of the richness I still had. I made up my mind to live. For some strange reason my life has become richer every day. In spite of the grief of losing two children I am having a full life. Start a grateful book. I'll right more later. Youngest daughter coming today from Vegas.Hugs, Deb

Fatima Posts: 125 Registered: 12/30/09 Re: How to move forward Posted: Sep 6, 2010 11:22 PM   Reply Hi Sherry, I've been on this roller coaster ride for many years. First my son now 31 an alcoholic in an out of rehabs and sober living homes. Presently he just finished a 60 day program and now is in phase 2 looking for work. He was a gifted student on his way to graduating from college. My youngest daughter, my beautiful one of only 19 walked out of a therapeutic treatment program as soon as she turned 18. She's living in motels and using meth. My husband and I have been living in turmoil, pain, and despair with many, many sleepless nights. However, we too have come to the point of understanding that we are not to be blamed, are powerless over their addictions and we MUST go on living our lives. Not giving up, just letting go and letting God take over. I've been in therapy and attending AlAnon meetings for over a year, taking long walks, a lot of reading and tons of prayer. It's taken me a long time to begin to detach with love, a concept so unbelievably difficult to grasp at first. I also have a few friends with kids in trouble, we all understand each others pain so we can share without feeling judged. I hope I've helped you a little. Please continue to post this is a wonderful forum.

Sherry Posts: 4 Registered: 9/6/10 Re: How to move forward Posted: Sep 12, 2010 5:45 PM   Reply Thank you ladies, for your replies. My heart goes out to you both. I am having so much trouble dealing with one lost child, I can't imagine how you deal with two of them. It sounds like you have both been able to move past this to some extend.....does it really get easier?

waterdance Posts: 624 Registered: 6/10/09 Re: How to move forward Posted: Sep 14, 2010 6:02 PM   Reply Hello All, Good Afternoon, Now how can I write this? Does it get easier? I have moved out of a time of darkness. No, I don't think I will ever recover from the loss of my two oldest. I ache for both of them, for what was or what I thought was. I've had to make choices. I am making a choice to have a happy life. A creative life. I could sit around and complain and feel sorry for myself. I've already done a lot of that. My husband Chuck has been and still is an absolute prince. I've been blessed with a great marriage....the very best on all sides of the families. A surprise as I'm not Suzy Homemaker and my Ma-in-Law lets everyone know it and just can't understand why her son is still with me. She is the Wicked Witch of the West! LOL. More in next post....

waterdance Posts: 624 Registered: 6/10/09 Re: How to move forward Posted: Sep 14, 2010 6:20 PM   Reply ...Now, how does one move foreward? I did read a lot about looking at the world differently. How rich it is! Through all this grief, unhappiness I have realized how truly rich my life has been and now with different thinking it's become even richer. I've come though immense growth spiritually and still studying. I write every day. Would like to compile a book. I can't tell anyone how to make their kid quit drugs or even how to keep them from trying them in the first place. I know that a different way of thinking is needed. The drug culture has destroyed so many people. I see it everywhere. Even in this laid-back rural town. I say..start reading what you can and find your life again. And just maybe you can get your kids to read some of the same books. Thinking of all of you, Deb

AZDAD Posts: 7 Registered: 9/2/10 Re: How to move forward Posted: Sep 14, 2010 11:40 AM   Reply Good Morning Sherry...! I am wondering the same thing. It is so difficult just to move on. My sons addiction has overtaken every aspect of my life. I am exhausted in every way. One thing that has helped me is the three C's...I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it. I will keep you in my prayers.....

Sherry Posts: 4 Registered: 9/6/10 Re: How to move forward Posted: Sep 26, 2010 11:18 AM   Reply Thank you so much. I have also been working on the three C's and the Serenity prayer. It has helped me so much. I say it from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed......over and over again. I guess the latest incident really woke me up. My son turned himself in to the cops because he had some outstanding warrants. Said he knew he had to do this if he wanted to make things right with God. I was so proud of him. I took him to turn himself in. He sat in jail for 3 weeks awaiting trial. He was released and could finally start over.....with a clean slate. It was a week later when I received a text at 4:00am. It said his name and jail. Thats all I seen. I shut my phone off and never slept for the rest of the night. I was a mess...how could this happen. In jail again. That's when a friend brought me the book "Beautiful Boy: After reading it, I felt more guilty then ever. I went out and bought the book "Tweak" Read them both in 3 days. I cried pretty much for 4 days. And, that was when I finally woke up. In and out and back in jail all within a week...WOW. He is still in jail but I am getting stronger every day. I have no idea where his head is at but I know that I cannot change a thing. I have been consumed with his alcohol and drug behavior for 12 years now and I just cannot do it anymore. I have to let go and heal myself. I think about him all the time but when I do, I say my prayer again.....it helps. I just keep telling myself that it was his choice and if thats how he wants to live his life, it's up to him. I feel much stronger but I know that this is not the end. I pray I don't go backwards....and I pray that maybe this was his wake up call.

Ann Posts: 646 Registered: 6/6/09 Re: How to move forward Posted: Sep 26, 2010 1:26 PM   Reply Hi Sherry, my heart goes out to you. I've been through all of the same. My only advice is of course to take care of yourself. Easier said than done, I know. The problem is by the time you start taking care of yourself you have made yourself sick with worry and heartache. I have aged ten years in the past three. When I kept ending up in the doctor's office "begging" for medicine to calm me, I knew I was in trouble! High blood pressure, stuck in a state of hypervigilance, and such a wreck that I needed to check myself in to the hospital! I know it sounds strange but I had no idea that you could actually have symptoms of PTSD unless you had experienced a horrific trauma? Well, looking back I guess some of the things we all have been through have been horrific and heartbreaking. When my son would show up in an out of control, delusional, angry and irrational state, my mind would have flash backs of his past episodes. It got to the point where if someone dropped something or walked in the door I would jump. There was one point where I could not drive for weeks. I'm not sharing this for sympathy, I'm just trying to say that when we get ourselves to that point we cannot help anyone, including ourselves. Just let him know you love him, pray for him, hold him accountable and realize that there is always hope. Keep saying the Serenity Prayer and remember the three C's. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Ann

Sherry Posts: 4 Registered: 9/6/10 Re: How to move forward Posted: Oct 26, 2010 12:52 PM   Reply I am sitting here in front of my computer looking for "strength". Pretty sure my son is getting out of jail tomorrow without a conviction. That's a good thing for most but I am so afraid. The last 3 months I have managed to stay strong. But it all honesty, I know it's because the law has not allowed me to be weak. It has been protecting me. I knew my son was in jail, so I knew he was safe. Never had to worry when the phone or door bell rang. Didn't worry when the sirens went by or if I heard on the news about a break in or an accident. Never had to wonder if my son had a roof over his head and food in his tummy. I know that when he gets out I need to stay strong but really don't know how to. I am fairly certain that he has no place to go and no money for anything. But I am more afraid of whats going on in his head. I still don't think that he is taking responsibility for his actions and is in denial about his addictions. Therefore, I don't see him putting himself into treatment. If he chooses not to, his life is not going to get better and he will have nowhere to go. That's what scares me. I know its a choice and if he choices not to get help, there is nothing I can do. But, I also know that I will be the person he will be coming to. How do I turn my back on him........I know its the right thing to do right now. I know I cannot keep enabling him but I am so afraid of what might happen to him when I do turn my back. I keep reminding myself its all about choices but I am afraid that his choices are going to end up in disaster......maybe death. Don't know how I can live with that. It used to be that I was always trying to figure out what else I could do to wake him up. I was always looking for answers. I just couldn't live with the fact that if something terrible happened, it would destroy me and I would always be wondering if there was something else I could have done. How could I live with that? Now, I realize that there is nothing I can do. I know that it has to come from him. I have to accept the fact that if something bad does happen, it was his choice. No parent should have to live like this. Every time I think of him (which is all the time) I have to put him out of my mind. I love him so much and I am so lost. I sure could use some advice.

JLP2 Posts: 64 Registered: 2/22/10 Re: How to move forward Posted: Oct 27, 2010 12:57 AM   Reply Sherry, I have been where you are and wish I had great wisdom for you, I do not. I am praying for you, that when you are faced with decisions you will know what to do. I have always told my son that I love him unconditionally and I always will but I have also told him that I will not help him kill himself. There have been many times that I feel his knowing that has kept him from disaster. You as his mom, has to do what you feel is the right thing to do when you are faced with it. I had to ask God to take the fear and worry for me as it was just too much, I couldn't do it. It has been a lot easier since then. Take care Sherry and really try to find some peace for yourself. I send you heart felt thoughts and prayers.

Lori Posts: 28 Registered: 9/29/10 Re: How to move forward Posted: Oct 27, 2010 1:53 PM   Reply Dear Sherry, We are powerless which is what makes this whole experience such a desperate one, as parents our love is so strong and our fear is so great, we want to rescue but can't. I have "enabled" my son by supporting him and giving him sanctuary, food, attorney, etc and I have also tried turning away with "tough love" and it didn't make a difference either way as far as my son's addiction, but turning away did put him at risk of death because he was on the street and got very sick with pneumonia and infections, and he once got beaten up badly near a shelter, some thugs smashed him in the face with a skateboard, so I choose not to close the door. I have to follow my heart, make decisions I can live with on a day to day basis. If I thought I could put up a fortress and shut this whole nightmare out I would but I just can't. Alanon is a great program and provides support and tools for "letting go". Staying busy helps me, any kind of healthy distraction is useful to keep my mind from worrying obsessively. I write, cook, take pictures, and participate in forums like this to keep focused. Hang in there, you are not alone.

tam101 Posts: 5 Registered: 9/15/10 Re: How to move forward Posted: Sep 16, 2010 12:02 AM   Reply Al-Anon has literally saved my life. If you have not tried it, I urge you to go and see if that is where hope can be found for you, too. Blessings to you.