Houghton Mifflin Discussion Forums

Replies: 8

momma

Posts: 50
Registered: 1/3/10

Next Weekend he gets discharged
Posted: Jan 30, 2010 8:27 AM

I feel so guilty. Next weekend Vinnie is getting discharged and is going to a 3/4 house. I have to admit I've enjoyed his stay in rehab, I know where he is, I know he is clean and I know he is alive. When he gets out. I won't know again. He will have the freedom to choose in a controlled environment. He will have access to the outside world again. What if he fails? I'm not sure what to do about college at this point - do we re-enroll him now or wait until summer session? He will be about 1 1/2 hours from here, how often do we go visit? He cannot come home for at least 3 months. He needs to stay there for at least 6 months but then what? Its never ending is it?

I booked a honeymoon suite again for my husband and I next weekend, I figured if we have to go we may as well enjoy it and the people are so nice at the B&B. I'm looking forward to it but picking up my son and the constant worry coming back...is that normal?

tc

Posts: 71
Registered: 1/2/10

Re: Next Weekend he gets discharged
Posted: Jan 30, 2010 10:12 AM

My 20 year old has been through 2 in-patient rehabs and one out-patient, living in a sober living house for 6 months after the second in -patient. She has managed up to a year sober in there and is now in recovery for going on 6 months. I completely understand your anxiety about your son leaving rehab. I felt exactly the same way, and some days still do, but it has gotten fewer and farther between for me. In the meantime, Most of her friends in recovery have also had a relapse ( someone is always relapsing, it seems). I can say though that from my experience, being in the sober living environment and not living with us for that time was the best thing. It gave me time to learn to live my own life and detach with love ( most of the time) from her disease and she formed relationships with other addicts in recovery who have helped her when she relapsed in ways that I never could or did. Focus on yourself and live your life. I love my daughter fiercely; but I have learned by trial and error that I can't worry or love her or say the right thing that will prevent a relapse. It truly has nothing to do with me. I hope the best for you and your son.

Fatima

Posts: 125
Registered: 12/30/09

Re: Next Weekend he gets discharged
Posted: Jan 30, 2010 10:38 AM

My son age 30 is also finishing his rehab in 2 weeks. This is his 6th time! Also the first to finish, since he's always walked out. We have found a sober living home near us. We're hoping that he stays at least 4 to 6 months before moving on his own. His experience with sober living has been negative with many guys causing trouble or my son not adapting to living with 4 guys in one room. I'm becoming stronger but can't help to be concerned about his future. We've told him that he cannot live at home so he knows that if he relapses, the manager will ask him to go. My son will be out in the streets since family members will no longer enable him. This roller coaster ride has been going on for about 7 years. Al-Anon is helping, therapy and a weekly small parent group. I'm slowly learning to let go and let GOD, to have faith and trust in God. That is all we can do. We are truly powerless over their choices. I will be thinking about you. It's great that you are spending time with your husband. That's what we do from time to time. Get away and enjoy life!

waterdance

Posts: 624
Registered: 6/10/09

Re: Next Weekend he gets discharged
Posted: Jan 30, 2010 11:43 AM

Good Morning All, These posts on this thread tell of wanting their kids safe and dreading the relapses. For years my kids went back and forth with drugs, alcohol. There was hope, then little. All three of them held me in an emotional blackmail dance concerning the grandkids. If I said too much I wouldn't see them. And it was always important to me to have an all overview of what was happenning. Today I see that I had absolutely no control. At times each kid would say what I wanted to hear. Chuck and I were "suckers" to them. Help us move Mom, Lend me money Mom, Can Chuck come and fix our heater, our car whatever?,Rent this apartment in your name for me Mom. The list goes on and on. And each time I thought I was just giving a "little" hand up. Thought I was being supportive. Still, Chuck and I have done a few things in the past 3 years (all costly). Now my stand is hard. I've started to accept that I have lost and never had the family I imagined I had. The ride was long. I still see the youngest child. Many in our families (both sides) have little contact with us as we will no longer provide money etc. Best wishes, Deb

momma

Posts: 50
Registered: 1/3/10

Re: Next Weekend he gets discharged
Posted: Jan 31, 2010 7:41 PM

Man you guys are making me cry....Waterdance...you particulary...my heart goes out to you...

cindykay

Posts: 284
Registered: 6/5/09

Re: Next Weekend he gets discharged
Posted: Feb 1, 2010 11:32 AM

Momma, take the weekend and enjoy the time spent with your husband and your son. All we can do is take the day given to us and make the most of it. Find those good times and run with it. At times they are few and far between.

lori-in-irvine

Posts: 109
Registered: 11/29/09

Re: Next Weekend he gets discharged
Posted: Feb 1, 2010 12:34 PM

Dear momma, you're right, it never really ends for us. Even our momentary relief during their "recovery" is tinged with anxiety about the future because we know that we are dealing with a condition that can't be cured, so we wait for the other shoe to drop. I think that coming home would just start your son's relapse process anew and trying to monitor and control his activities is a recipe for your own insanity. Recovering addicts need focus and have to fill their time productively, so college might be a good thing, better than spending the day on the internet dreaming about drugs and hanging out with bad influences. Can he stay in a sober home while at school? That way he will have support around him every day to keep him on the right path.

Grateful

Posts: 2
Registered: 2/6/10

Re: Next Weekend he gets discharged
Posted: Feb 6, 2010 7:32 PM

Momma:
I can relate to your anxiety about your son getting out of treatment. I, too, have a son who has been in residential treatment 3 times. Each time he was to get out and come home, the anxiety would build to the point that would become physically ill.

I finally took the plunge and attended my first Alanon meeting in November, 2007. I will be forever grateful!

They told me to give them at least 6 meetings before I decided whether the program was for me. If it weren't for me, they would gladly "refund" me my misery doubled!

I knew I could not take the misery I was in-let alone doubled.

I encourage you to find an Alanon group in your community or a nearby community. It has helped me to restore MY sanity.

God Bless You.

kiah

Posts: 168
Registered: 8/18/09

Re: Next Weekend he gets discharged
Posted: Feb 7, 2010 2:59 PM

Rebab is not a cure all. My son told me both before and after he got home from his rehab program. " I will only stay clean if I want to stay clean." " If I want to use drugs, I will." I sometimes wonder if I would even support him going back to treatment if he does relapse. I dont know if many times they can really do any good. My sons words spoke volumes to me and woke me up to reality that I dont want to accept, but have to. It is totally normal to feel tense about your son coming home. You know the realities of the addict and you love him and want the best for him. I think we all live with this fear and tension daily. I wish you good luck and blessings. Enjoy your son being clean and coming home and think good possative thoughts. Chin up! as they say. lol. Take care of yourself!

Message was edited by: kiah